I’ve been exclusively pumping breastmilk for the babies almost since they were born. I was so committed to nursing when I was pregnant, but after they were born, I realized I just hadn’t assembled the resources I needed to make it work. Alex refused to latch, Avery had thrush which hurt me like hell, and she fell asleep every time she tried to eat on top of that. I was exhausted trying to feed them and had no time to do anything else, like eat or shower or sleep. So I pumped more than I nursed. And soon I was just pumping. And here I am, 6 months later, still pumping. I am really proud of myself for sticking it out this long, because it has not been easy. They each get about 21 ounces of my milk per day, plus a few more mixed with their cereal. They also get one bottle of formula. Pumping is all the work of bottles and all the restrictions and time commitments of breastfeeding without the physical bonding. It’s getting harder and harder to do, with Alex rolling under everything in sight and both of them being more social and less patient with the idea of sitting around for 20 minutes. There are many days when I feel like a dairy cow. I’ve had two really painful plugged ducts and one case of mastitis – 103 degree fevers are not fun when you have two babies to care for. Most days, I just dread the pump time.

With all that in mind, I talked it over with Don and had decided to stop pumping by the end of the year. Six months is a great run, longer than many women make it breastfeeding, and I thought I was comfortable with quitting. I was counting the days to December 13, when I would start to wean. I was excited to have caffeine and wear normal bras again. But I felt guilty, too. That’s a good Catholic mom with her Catholic guilt, I guess. My supply is good. Formula is expensive. The babies are getting so much benefit – they’ve never even been sick, and I think it has a lot to do with breastfeeding. So I started to read and research, and found that even though I am pumping 4 times per day now, I can probably wean down to 2 sessions and still get a decent amount of milk since my supply is well established. And now I am thinking I won’t quit yet. I’ll try the two times per day thing – after they wake up and are fed and changed, and then at night before I go to bed. Basically, every 12 hours. And I’ll see how it goes. Maybe they’ll need 2 or even 3 formula bottles a day once my stash of frozen milk is gone. But that’ll still be cheaper and better for them than all formula, all the time.

I have selfish reasons to continue, too, like the fact that I am 10 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight and still losing. My tummy skin looks like a deflated balloon, but I am skinny and I eat anything i want – cookies, ice cream, etc. and don’t worry about what it’ll do to my ass. And my pumping time is my computer time that I don’t have to feel bad about, because I can’t do anything else when I am all hooked up.

So here I sit, 3 days from the day I had planned to start weaning, and instead I have decided to be down to 2 pumps by January 1, and I’ll see how that goes until January 13th when they’ll be 7 months old. I’m not thrilled with the choice, but I can live with it. Once I really do quit, there’s no going back, and I’d rather not regret that decision the way I regret the one to give up on nursing.