April 21, 1956 – September 17, 2008

My eulogy for mom:

Thank you all for coming to commemorate my mother’s life.

I could stand up here all evening and tell you how wonderful, talented, smart, and funny my mother was.  But you already know that, and you probably also know she was far too modest to ever fully appreciate those qualities in herself.    Instead, I’m going to tell you about the impact she had on me, and how her endless love and selflessness made me who I am today.

My mom always put me first.  Even when it was just her and me, and things were tough, she ALWAYS put me first.  One story that I heard this week, which I had never heard before, really put into perspective just how important being a good mother was to her.

The story goes that when I was a little boy and she was a single mom struggling to make ends meet, she purposely wrote a bad check just so that she could buy a ball and two baseball gloves. This was so that the two of us could play catch because, in her mind, it was simply a requirement that a little boy have someone to play catch with.  Nevermind that my mom was the biggest worry wart on the planet and that for weeks she probably thought that the bank or the FBI was going to come crashing through the door.  To her, what was more important than all of that, was that she didn’t want me to be without something that she felt I needed or should have.

If you wanted somebody to motivate you or pump up your self esteem, all you had to do was spend some time with my mom.  She never missed a chance to tell me about how proud of me she was, and about how good of a boy/man/dad/person I was.  And, from talking to all of you over the years, and the especially in past week, it seems like that same positive attitude and comforting glow was evident to you too.

Through the years I learned so much from mom.  And the lessons I learned weren’t a result of her lecturing or directing me on how to “be”, they were a result of a lifetime of actions and examples.  I learned how to be compassionate and kind.  I learned how to work hard.  I learned how to try to find the positive side to every situation, and I learned how to hang in there when things got rough.

I’m often told by others that I’m a hard worker and that I have a strong work ethic.  Looking back over the years, I know that’s a direct result of seeing my mom be so dedicated to her job and seeing how she always wanted to be sure that she was pulling her weight.  I have many fond memories of going to work with her to her big office building downtown where I could go in and help her file papers or type letters on a typewriter in the office.  But what I remember the most about those many trips to the office with her was the way she interacted with the people she worked with.  It was obvious that she was such a good people person and that she really had a way of making people feel good about being there, stuck in an office, away from their families, 5 days a week.

It was rare that I ever heard her complain about her job, or how going to work every day was a drag, like many people often do.  She was always ready to take on the next challenge and met each new day and task with a smile, and made everybody around her feel grateful to have her there in the trenches with them, as she made it all seem easy and she always found a way to light up a room.

I think the most important thing I learned from my mom was how to love others.  I learned how to be a good father and a good husband, and I learned how to put MY family first, no matter what.  I can’t count the number of cards, notes, and emails that I have from over the years that each contain endless words about how wonderful I am, or how lovely my wife Jen is, or how precious her three grandchildren are and how they are so lucky to have me as their father.  These lessons and constant reminders,  will always be with me and will help my mom’s spirit to live on in our family for generations to come. She was a wonderful mother and made me the man that I am today. I hope I make her as proud as she made me.

Even though she did not get to spend as much time with her grandchildren as she wanted to, I know that she loved them with all of her heart and more than anything. The twins and Adam didn’t get to spend nearly enough time with Grandma, but they have great memories of the times they did share with her. Alex and Avery still talk about “Grandma’s Beach House,” which was really a condo where we stayed for only one night in Ocean City with her back in May of this year. It was their first beach trip, and it made quite an impression on them. They drive their couch pillow cars there, push their strollers there, and even occasionally ask, with a hopeful tone, if that’s where we’re going when we get in the van. In her typical nervous way, she was so scared that they were going to fall through the 3 inch openings in the railing on the balcony and got so nervous every time they went out there that she couldn’t watch anymore. Mom was in a lot of pain then, but she just smiled and “oohed” and “aahed” the whole time over the kids playing in the sand and seeing waves for the first time.  It’s a shame there won’t be any new memories to be made, but we will make sure the kids know her through stories and pictures as they get older.

One of the things I do is maintain a website where we keep our friends and family up to date on what we’re doing, what new things the kids are doing, etc.  Mom always loved spending time on there reading about all of her grandchildren and what adventures or trouble they were getting into.  And when she was sick and physical visits become more difficult, she relied more and more on our website as a way to see pictures of and keep up with the kids.

Since her passing many of you have been kind enough to take the time to share some of your memories of her through the site.  I have enjoyed reading them and I wanted to encourage others take a moment to share your experiences and stories about her and to see all of the kind things others have said.  Through your words, my children will be able to know their grandmother in a way I could never provide alone.

This week as I was planning what I wanted to say tonight, I came across this poem.  It’s called To Those Whom I Love & Those Who Love Me and it really spoke to me as something my mom would be saying to us all as we struggle with losing her.

When I am gone, release me, let me go.
I have so many things to see and do,
You mustn’t tie yourself to me with too many tears,
But be thankful we had so many good years.

I gave you my love, and you can only guess
How much you’ve given me in happiness.
I thank you for the love that you have shown,
But now it is time I traveled on alone.

So grieve for me a while, if grieve you must,
Then let your grief be comforted by trust.
It is only for a while that we must part,
So treasure the memories within your heart.

I won’t be far away for life goes on.
And if you need me, call and I will come.

Though you can’t see or touch me, I will be near.
And if you listen with your heart, you’ll hear,
All my love around you soft and clear.

And then, when you come this way alone,
I’ll greet you with a smile and a ‘Welcome Home’.

Mom, a day won’t go by that I don’t miss you.  I just hope that you know how proud of YOU I am and how good of a job YOU did here.  This place truly won’t be the same without you.

Memorial Service

A memorial service will be held on Saturday, September 27th, 2008 at 7:00PM at St. Paul’s Church in Ellicott City, MD followed by an informal gathering at the church.
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In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to Gilchrist Hospice Care in Pam’s name.